Saturday, September 17, 2005

What the hell is an Edsel???

In my earlier, car-hoon days, I was a noted Ford fanatic, and for what its worth Im still a big fan of Ford cars, though not as passionately as in my past.
Here in Australia, there are three types of guys, Ford fans, Holden (the local division of GM) fans, and homosexuals. The Ford and Holden fans love to hate each other, and are constantly giving each other shit.
The Holden fans love to tell us "Blue Oval" guys what the letters F O R D stand for, its usually something piss poor like "Found On Rubbish Dump", or "Fucked On Race Day". yes, they are a clever bunch...
We Ford fans didnt bother to stoop down to thier level, mainly because there is too many letters in Holden.
While in a bored stupor, I stumbled across a list of most major car manufacturers and what the letters actually stand for.

I am sceptical as to the accuracy of some of these, however the Porsche one seems to hit the nail on the head...



AUDI
Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Automobile Under Demonic Influence
Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.

BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window
Break My Windshield
Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Barely Moving Wreck
Big Money Waste
Big Money. Why?
Big Money Works
Born Moderately Wealthy
Breaks Most Wrenches
Bring More Wrenches
Brings Me Women
Brings More Women
Broken Money Waster
Broke My Wallet
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Bumbling Mechanical Wretch
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
Big Ugly Imitation Chrome King

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques

DODGE
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dead Old Dog Going East
Dead On Day Guarantee Expires
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Dear Old Dads Garage Experiment
Daily Overhauls Do Get Expensive

EDSEL
Every Day Something Else Leaks

FIAT
Failed Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It Again, Tony!
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation

FORD
Frigin' Old Rebuilt Dodge
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
First On Race Day
First On Recall Day
Fabricated Of Refried Dung
Fails On Rainy Days
Fantastically Orgasmic Realistic Dream
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Fault Of R&D
Finally Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Recycle Dilemma
Flipping Over Results in Death
Flipped Over Roadside Disaster
Follow Our Rusty Dogsled
Foot On Road Decelerates
Forced On Reluctant Drivers
Formed Of Rejected DNA
Forwarded Once; Return Denied
Forward Only; Reverse Defective
Forlorn, Old, Ratridden Dustbin
Fork Over Repair Dough
Fouled Out Re-done Dodge
Frequent Overhaul, Rapid Deterioration
Free Or Reduced Drastically
Frequent Opinion Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Funny Old Rattling Dump
(backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
Fastest On Road Device

GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus

GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car

GTO
Gas, Tires, Oil

HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

MG
Money Guzzler

MGB
Might Go Backwards

MGF
Might Go Forward

MIATA
My Intention Always To Accelerate

MOPAR
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs

MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good

OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday

PINTO
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook

PLYMOUTH
Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood

PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Sibling Rivalry, The Return of...

Greetings humans, cyborgs, BourbonBird.

Due to popular demand, Ive decided to open another chapter of my pain filled youth. There was this big oblong device in our backyard that caused many. many injuries to all the JerkFace clan. Yes, we had a trampoline...

Sit back, spark up a Winfield Blue, and take yourself back into the mid 80's.

Picture a nice little backyard, couple of Frangipani trees, some footpaths, and a behemoth of a trampoline, sitting there with its stupid springs looking all innocent and smug.

The JerkFace kids had this game where we tilt the trampoline up on its end (topwise), one person sits on the bottom holding it upright, then the other two kids get a run up and jump onto the trampoline, sending it slamming down onto the ground, and the kids go flying into the air.

I thought of a new twist to this game, maybe I should stand at the elevated end, and hold it up, so when they jump, they will bounce back. It sounded good in theory. In practice it went thusly: BroJerkface and SisJerkFace run and jump on the trampoline. Yours truly cant hold the force of two fat kids in full flight. JerkFace crumbles. Trampoline squashes Jerkface. JerkFace left with some nasty cuts and bruises from the springs. I was a member of an elite swimming squad at the time, and had practice the next afternoon.
Coach looks at my back curiously and remarks "Christ, what happened to your back Matty?"
Ever so casually I replied "Trampoline fell on me...".
It didnt occur to me at the time, how this would be a very strange thing to say. And I still think back to that moment and chuckle to myself.
*I should point out, that one time we played this game, the dog ran under the trampoline as it came down and broke her leg. We made up a bullshit story to the parents*

Another time, a friend of mine was at my house. We convinced my brother to jump on the trampoline while we use rubber bands to flick bits of paper at him. It wasnt long before he got hit in the eye, fell over and smashed his face on the trampoline rail. Blood gushed from his mouth, and the crying turned to wailing. My mate ran home, my Dad ran outside, threw (yes threw) us into the car and drove us to the hospital. Little bro was ok in the end, but he does have bad teeth.

The final story for today, again involves me and my brother. Anybody who has ever been jumping on a trampoline with another person will know about the curious effect known as "bounceback".
Bounceback is a phenomena caused by two people on a trampoline. If one person lands just after the other, the second person catches the trampoline rebound of the first person is usually shot into the air at an unpredictable angle, most of the time, landing on areas other than the trampoline mat.
Back to the story.
BroJerkFace and I were merrily jumping up and down, trying to make each "bounceback". Out of nowhere i got my brother a beauty, he goes flying up in the air, arse over tit, I reckon he did at least one full revolution before landing face first into the springs. The springs themselves have hooks to hold them in place, and one of the hooks gouged a chunk out of his forehead. To this day he still has a scar that reminds us all to never, ever dick about on a trampoline again...

Friday, September 02, 2005

We are all pink on the inside

Hey, remember me?

My apologies for the extended break between posts. Between my Aunty passing away, a busy work schedule and my own health issues, Ive hardly had time to keep my blog up to date. I write this at work, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one is coming.

A funny thing happened to me last night, and I just had to share it with those who read my blog.

Allow me to set the scene...

I have the flu you see, so Im taking Cold and Flu tablets. There are two sets of two daytime tablets, and one set of two night tablets. These night tablets are quite strong and tend to put you to sleep quite quickly.

The night before last I was at home speaking to my mum. it was about 9pm and she thought it was time for me to take my night tablets. But there was a dilema, at 10:30pm the season finale of "The Shield" was on, and I desperately wanted to watch it.

So I says to Old Mother JerkFace "I dont want the pills yet cause I will fall asleep and miss my show".

"What show is that?" she says.

"The Shield" I reply.

"Oh, whats that about?" she asked me, just because she is nosey like that.

"Its about cops Mum", and because I knew more questions were coming I continued "Its on late because there is swearing and violence".

So I went to bed and watched The Shield season finale (which was intense).

The next day, Im watching TV with my mum again, shes flicking through the channels and stops on FOX8. There was a long add for all the shows that are going to be showed on FOX8 in the coming months.

Turns out The Shield is coming to FOX8 soon, so I pointed to it, and said "Mum, thats that show I wanted to watch last night, awesome show it is!".

Mum looks up just as they are previewing the next show, which happened to be "Queer as Folk". She looks at the TV and sees two guys kissing and fondling and thinks to herself "Oh, my son likes to watch shows about guys pashing, I knew he was gay, thats why his marriage didnt work!". My mother is a bandit at making assumptions.

I saw what she saw and immediately knew what she was thinking, so what should I do? Do I point out that what she is looking at is not the show I wanted to watch? or do I just stand there like an idiot and let her think what she wants? For better or worse I chose the latter. So now Mum has more fuel for the rumour fire, which she will undoubtably tell my sister, but to be honest, I really dont care anymore.

I think there is a lesson to be learnt from this, to ASSUME is to make an ASS out of U and ME...