Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Great Balls of Fire

Who would have thought that hair-removal cream and testicles make unhappy bedfellows? Not I.
An ex partner of mine was once very keen to see my "twig'n'berries" without any hair on it. I was not totally against the idea, so I investigated my possible avenues of hair removal. Shaving was out of the question, too much at risk. I wasnt going to go to a beautician to get waxed because I dont like crying in front of women. I thought I would give hair removal cream a go, it seemed harmless, its cheap, and I can do it from home.
I bought a discreet little product called "Andre- Hair removal cream for men", thinking the womens cream may not be manly enough to overcome the pheromone powerhouse that is my genitalia...
I got home and made the preperations as per the instructions.
At this stage I should have read the warning that said "DO NOT use cream on genitals, eyes, or other sensitive areas".
I applied liberal amounts of cream to the No-Go zone, and waited the 10 minutes. After about 5 minutes it began to feel quite hot, almost like my balls had eaten chili. At the 7 minute mark the burning got a bit too much so I washed off the product, and watched as the hair magicly came off with the cream. There was a patch of scrotum that I must have missed with the cream, so I got a bit more and re-applied.

Worst mistake ever...

If you have ever put your balls through a cheese grater, dragged them on rough bitumen, rubbed them in salt and then dipped them in acid you will know how it felt.
As soon as the cream touched the skin I got a massive painful burning sensation, it honestly felt like fire. I ran around the bathroom in circle yelling "OH, OH, OH". Ran to the shower turned on the water, and had to wait for the frikkin water to get to the right temperature, jumped in and thoroughly washed my poor little guys.
I was left with what looked like a chemical burn for a couple of weeks, and a funny walk for a day or two.
It turns out I missed the part of the instructions that said "DO NOT re-apply for at least 2 days", not that i would have taken heed anyway.

The moral of the story is, when cream and testicles are concerned, read the damn instructions!

In case your concerned, my nuts are back to full health...

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Ignorance is Bliss

This is about my best mate, and what a great guy he is. Lets call him Mr P.
He has done many strange things, yet maintains that he was THE best guy ever invented. Allow me to share a few stories, all free of exaggeration and/or hyperbole.

1) Mr P was an innocent 6 year old, and his parents had received a litter of unwanted kittens from family friends. Mr P loved the kittens, but they were too quiet for his liking. He decided he wanted to hear the kittens meow. He picked up one of them and dunked its head in the toilet. It didnt meow. He held it under for longer and it still didnt meow. Mr P figured that he should just hold its head under water until he hears it meow.
The poor kitten never stood a chance.

2) Twas Valentines Day about 5 years ago and Mr P had not bought his girlfriend a present. His sister had a secret admirer who had sent her a massive bunch of roses. She didnt want them, so Mr P took them and offered them to his girlfriend as a Valentines Day gift. This would have been borderline acceptable, except he didnt check the little card attached to the flowers. Later that day, Mr P received an irate phone call. Seems the missus wasnt too impressed with the dirty limerick written on the card, and she didnt understand the cryptic nature of it. She even asked if the flowers were meant for someone else, so he yelled at her for being ungrateful and unappreciative of what was such as expensive present. And to top it off, whenever they argued he would bring up the old "Remember when I got you those flowers!" Turns out, if you buy the missus flowers once you have fulfilled all your manly duties.

3) A few years ago Mr P sat at his house in the company of his girlfriend (the same gf as the flowers saga). She needed to use his computer for something, but Mr P didnt think this was a good idea because he had so much porn on his computer that he didnt want her to know about. He told her it was broken, she told him she could fix it. She ran up and turned the computer on, so Mr P panicked and flicked a switch on the back of the computer (the switch that changes what voltage the PC runs on). A puff of smoke came out the top of the PC and he yelled at her for breaking his computer.
Now don't get me wrong, Im no anti-porn skeptic, but this seemed like an extraordinary length to go to to hide some naughty pictures. All I can assume is that the subject matter may not have been very socially acceptable. Gay porn? Unlikely... Frolicking Transvestites? Possibly... Extreme anal insertions and Hardcore Grannies? Would not surprise me...

These are only 3 incidents that show the type of person he is. There was also a time when he and I were on a date with two pretty girls. Mr P whispered to me that he had to blow his nose, but he didnt want to say it in front of the girls, so instead he chose to say "Excuse me girls, I have to spew"...
Needless to say, they didnt return either of our calls.

Despite this he still believes he is the nicest, most respectful guy, and he loves better than any other. It must be nice living in a daydream.

He is a good friend of mine but can be very painful to know.

I think I need new friends...

Saturday, June 18, 2005


Well, it is finally official... I am not a soft-cock!

After months of putting it off Ive finally gone and got me a tattoo. Choosing what I wanted turned out to be the hardest part, but I must thank BourbonBird for helping me decide on exactly what I wanted. With her being somewhat of a doyen on these things, I thought long about her idea to tattoo a penis on the side of my face pointing at my mouth. Pig headedly, i declined the face-penis and opted for what you see in the picture.

My tattoo

It's my daughters initials (Im glad her middle name is not Olivia), with her date of birth in roman numerals (just so you Yanks know, in Australia we write the date dd/mm/yyyy so dont tell me its a frikkin typo).

For everyone who says tattoos dont hurt.... BULLSHIT!

It hurt more than I thought it would, not unbearable, but very noticable. The needle actually goes in about 3mm, I guess the closest thing I can think to it is putting yourself through a sewing machine.

Having said that though, I cant wait to get another bigger, meaner, badder tattoo.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Hi, Firstly, I have the flu, so don't get too close or my spores will get in your holes...
Secondly, my photo there doesnt really do me justice, besides the balding blue hair, the glasses and the can-do attitude... Actually the picture hits the nail on the head.
But I digress...
This afternoon i got home from work kinda early, couldnt be bothered cooking so i grabbed an ice cream cone from the freezer. I tore off the wrapper and proceeded to gnaw into its minty goodness. As i was getting down to the middle a piece of cone fell off and landed on my shirt.
I was engrossed in a DVD at the time, so I absentmindedly picked it up and tossed it in my mouth. Little did I realise what had just happened...
The texture seemed a bit off. It was a lot harder than i expected from the wafer cone, and it tasted quite tangy. I looked down at my shirt, and the piece of cone I thought was in my mouth was still on my shirt... So what the frig was I chewing on???
I spat out what looked like a dried out little poo chip...
Now I should mention, I have this phobia of getting weird stuff in my mouth (like fluff or dust), so I was instantly repulsed by what I spat out. I shudder to think about it...


I feel so dirty.
Anyway, this is just another incident in a long line of stupidity.