Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Ignorance is Bliss

This is about my best mate, and what a great guy he is. Lets call him Mr P.
He has done many strange things, yet maintains that he was THE best guy ever invented. Allow me to share a few stories, all free of exaggeration and/or hyperbole.

1) Mr P was an innocent 6 year old, and his parents had received a litter of unwanted kittens from family friends. Mr P loved the kittens, but they were too quiet for his liking. He decided he wanted to hear the kittens meow. He picked up one of them and dunked its head in the toilet. It didnt meow. He held it under for longer and it still didnt meow. Mr P figured that he should just hold its head under water until he hears it meow.
The poor kitten never stood a chance.

2) Twas Valentines Day about 5 years ago and Mr P had not bought his girlfriend a present. His sister had a secret admirer who had sent her a massive bunch of roses. She didnt want them, so Mr P took them and offered them to his girlfriend as a Valentines Day gift. This would have been borderline acceptable, except he didnt check the little card attached to the flowers. Later that day, Mr P received an irate phone call. Seems the missus wasnt too impressed with the dirty limerick written on the card, and she didnt understand the cryptic nature of it. She even asked if the flowers were meant for someone else, so he yelled at her for being ungrateful and unappreciative of what was such as expensive present. And to top it off, whenever they argued he would bring up the old "Remember when I got you those flowers!" Turns out, if you buy the missus flowers once you have fulfilled all your manly duties.

3) A few years ago Mr P sat at his house in the company of his girlfriend (the same gf as the flowers saga). She needed to use his computer for something, but Mr P didnt think this was a good idea because he had so much porn on his computer that he didnt want her to know about. He told her it was broken, she told him she could fix it. She ran up and turned the computer on, so Mr P panicked and flicked a switch on the back of the computer (the switch that changes what voltage the PC runs on). A puff of smoke came out the top of the PC and he yelled at her for breaking his computer.
Now don't get me wrong, Im no anti-porn skeptic, but this seemed like an extraordinary length to go to to hide some naughty pictures. All I can assume is that the subject matter may not have been very socially acceptable. Gay porn? Unlikely... Frolicking Transvestites? Possibly... Extreme anal insertions and Hardcore Grannies? Would not surprise me...

These are only 3 incidents that show the type of person he is. There was also a time when he and I were on a date with two pretty girls. Mr P whispered to me that he had to blow his nose, but he didnt want to say it in front of the girls, so instead he chose to say "Excuse me girls, I have to spew"...
Needless to say, they didnt return either of our calls.

Despite this he still believes he is the nicest, most respectful guy, and he loves better than any other. It must be nice living in a daydream.

He is a good friend of mine but can be very painful to know.

I think I need new friends...