Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Great Balls of Fire

Who would have thought that hair-removal cream and testicles make unhappy bedfellows? Not I.
An ex partner of mine was once very keen to see my "twig'n'berries" without any hair on it. I was not totally against the idea, so I investigated my possible avenues of hair removal. Shaving was out of the question, too much at risk. I wasnt going to go to a beautician to get waxed because I dont like crying in front of women. I thought I would give hair removal cream a go, it seemed harmless, its cheap, and I can do it from home.
I bought a discreet little product called "Andre- Hair removal cream for men", thinking the womens cream may not be manly enough to overcome the pheromone powerhouse that is my genitalia...
I got home and made the preperations as per the instructions.
At this stage I should have read the warning that said "DO NOT use cream on genitals, eyes, or other sensitive areas".
I applied liberal amounts of cream to the No-Go zone, and waited the 10 minutes. After about 5 minutes it began to feel quite hot, almost like my balls had eaten chili. At the 7 minute mark the burning got a bit too much so I washed off the product, and watched as the hair magicly came off with the cream. There was a patch of scrotum that I must have missed with the cream, so I got a bit more and re-applied.

Worst mistake ever...

If you have ever put your balls through a cheese grater, dragged them on rough bitumen, rubbed them in salt and then dipped them in acid you will know how it felt.
As soon as the cream touched the skin I got a massive painful burning sensation, it honestly felt like fire. I ran around the bathroom in circle yelling "OH, OH, OH". Ran to the shower turned on the water, and had to wait for the frikkin water to get to the right temperature, jumped in and thoroughly washed my poor little guys.
I was left with what looked like a chemical burn for a couple of weeks, and a funny walk for a day or two.
It turns out I missed the part of the instructions that said "DO NOT re-apply for at least 2 days", not that i would have taken heed anyway.

The moral of the story is, when cream and testicles are concerned, read the damn instructions!

In case your concerned, my nuts are back to full health...